Jane’s Salvation

Jane thought that returning to her hometown Warrnambool in her mid-30s was an admission of defeat.

Instead, it turned out to be her salvation.

Jane, not her real name, had been away from Warrnambool for nearly two decades, mostly living in a whirl of alcohol and drugs.

“I class my addiction as something quite ferocious,” she says. “Once I started, I couldn’t stop.”

Returning to Warrnambool was a desperate move, a last chance to control the addictions that were running her health and her life.

A 12-step program, Narcotics Anonymous and residential rehab had helped but hadn’t tamed the beast.

At the end of 2019, Jane returned to Warrnambool to live with her parents for the first time since departing 18 years earlier to study in Melbourne. Soon after she started WRAD’s Sliding Doors program and 18 months later she is clean, confident and healthy.

“What I thought was going to be a very dreary situation, is now full of life and happiness,” she said.

Jane’s story of addiction starts like so many others; alcohol at 14, recreational drugs at 15 and cocaine and ice at 22. “When I started using the heavier drugs, I was pretty much addicted,” she said.

She resisted the temptation of harder drugs until 22, even though they were around her in the workplace and in her relationships. Jane had experienced sexual assault and her drug-using partner had become abusive. Drugs were a way of coping with a toxic environment, but Jane doesn’t blame anyone else.

“It took some time for me to start but once it took a hold, I was the one who wanted it,” she said.

“I believe I was predisposed to it. I knew from when I was quite young that I had an addictive personality and a tendency to obsess and be compulsive about things.”

Hard drugs had a terrible impact on her life. She lost 20 kilos in a few months and was unemployable and isolated.

Jane tried to mask the situation and show a functional facade to the world.

“I knew that I looked terrible, that I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be, so I began to turn around the externals. I made myself put on weight to make myself not look like a drug addict. 

On the outside people thought I was getting better, but inside I was exactly the same.”

Jane broke up with her partner, but that didn’t ease her addiction. “I was desperate. I couldn’t work out why I was still using, even though I wanted to stop. I had thought once he left, I’d be able to stop but it wasn’t him influencing me to use, I was the one wanting to do it.

“It had become a coping mechanism – I couldn’t keep blaming others.”

Jane came to realise she couldn’t recover on her own. “I’d become extremely isolated, pretty much an anxious hermit, and I needed to get out of that and do something about it.”

When she turned 32, Jane started attending 12 steps Narcotics Anonymous meetings. “That was very beneficial; it was the first time I became consistent with anything and started to get some clean time,” she said. 

“Going to a place like 12 Steps and being able to see others like me that were now clean was an important step. That was a huge realisation that there was hope for people who were heavily addicted.”

But more steps were needed. “I was getting cleaner for longer periods but couldn’t work out why I kept on relapsing,” Jane said.

She tried six months in residential rehab in Melbourne. Again, this was beneficial but not a panacea. She relapsed after completing the program and a new relationship with a live-in partner fell apart.

“I was still addressing trauma issues, so living with a man and his son was difficult. I was in a safe environment but my brain was having flashbacks.”

That’s when she decided to move back to Warrnambool to live with her parents.

“I knew I’d be safe but moving back home was a last resort for me. I’d always said I’d only do it if I couldn’t fix the problem. It was quite defeating.

“Moving to Melbourne was for job opportunities and study and a life where I would be independent and successful; moving back here was the opposite of that.”

But there was a silver lining. Jane began attending NA and was told about Sliding Doors.

The WRAD program helped to reconfigure her outlook on life.

“Now I think it’s better to live here, but I didn’t at the time,” Jane said. “I’ve definitely turned that around by doing Sliding Doors. If Sliding Doors hadn’t been there, things could be quite different and I wouldn’t have progressed in my recovery as I have.”

Jane says the program’s focus on cognitive behavioural therapy and how to apply that to her life was the catalyst for change. “That was a huge turning point because I was very negative and anxious and I think that had a lot to do with my relapses. I could take what I learnt in the program and understand how to slow down the process if I felt I was going to relapse…I could see where I was going wrong and the distorted belief systems that were driving me that way.”

Jane did the program full time till July 2020 and then for two days a week for another six months, with repetition reinforcing the messages.

“They like you to keep going and be a peer member to encourage others,” she said. “That was hugely helpful for me and them and I could feel the change while doing the program. When I was repeating it the second and third time it was really sinking in. I could see my behaviour change, and reframe my negativity into a positive.”

Jane continues to enjoy the benefits. “It stays with you and gives you excellent tools when you’re in a recovery space,” she says.

She is now busy with part-time work and part-time study at South West TAFE, building new friendships and continuing to gain confidence by using the tools taught by Sliding Doors.

Jane also wants to help other addicts by sponsoring people in NA, and to “shout from the rooftop” that you can recover through programs like Sliding Doors.

“When I was younger, I didn’t fully understand how I tick. Now I feel as though I have a much deeper understanding of who I am and what my values are. I want to be healthy mentally and physically.”